What The E-Cat Dragged In
Random tidbits from the Webmaster's
No, this is not a
you have something you think would be good for this page, just send
it to me. If I use
it, you'll get honorable mentioned. Remember, honorable mention here
will get you
coffee at any Denny's in the country. Terry
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A
1. Open a new file in your
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you,
"Do you really want to
get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Tomorrow we'll do
A Crummy Idea
As the newly appointed High Representative and Secretary
General of People for
Evangelical Image-laden Toast Yielding (PEITY) I must condemn your sacrilegious
act of sacred toast eating. Your thoughtless act of selfishness may have
the world of a god-inspired prophetic message.
I besiege you to vacuum up any remaining crumbs and submit them to the
created Museum of the Sacred Wheat-based Food Testaments (SWiFT).
Of course, you will receive a lifetime membership so that you can view
sacred crumbs at no cost. Normal adult tickets are $3.50 (US).
If, in the future, you happen upon another holy relic of the floury
be sure to inform us immediately at 1-800-GOD-TOST. Thank you.
If you want someone who will
do anything to please you,
get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the
without tearing through it first for the sports
get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of
because he's glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in
him and never says his mother made it better,
get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the
care less about Monday Night Football, and
dramatic movies with you as long as you want,
get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to
and keep you warm in bed, and whom you can kick
out of bed
if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes
anything you do,
doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as
every word you say is worth hearing, never
loves you unconditionally all the time, get a
On the other hand...If you want someone who
when you call him, totally ignores you when you
the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks
you, prowls around all night and come home only
and sleep all day, and acts as though you are
to see that He's happy...
Get a CAT!
MEMO FROM SANTA
I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately, I will
no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Alabama, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and
209. As part of the new and better contract I
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
However, I'm certain that your children will be
hands with your local replacement, who happens
to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
all the good boys and girls; however, there are
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives.
Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott, and
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by
"Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond,
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle
back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
when he bends over to put presents under the
You might be a Scrooge:
If you turn on the lawn
sprinklers on Christmas Eve to
keep carolers away.
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a
also sells gas.
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at
If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas
If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack
of root beer and
a cheese log.
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line
from a Rocky movie.
If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire
If you use your Christmas Club money to buy
If your favorite version of "Silent
Night" is sung by OJ
If your favorite pastime is putting defective
your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or
Christmas lawn caricatures with egg nog.
If your only holiday decoration is a rotting
Baking A Cake
A little boy is telling his Grandma how
"everything" is going
wrong: school, family problems, severe health
Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.
She asks her grandson if he would like a snack,
course, he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple of raw eggs? "
"Would you like some flour then? Or
maybe baking soda?"
"Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those
things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together
in the right way,
they make a wonderfully delicious cake!
God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why he would let us go
through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when
He puts these things
all in His order, they always work for good!
We just have to trust Him and eventually, they
will all make
God is Crazy About You.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere
in the universe, and He chose your heart.
As a fan of Classic Hollywood
movies, I hope all of you enjoy these Movie
titles that reflect the Holiday Theme. I also
hope you had a blessed
Thanksgiving. If you haven't already done so, take a moment
think about the things you are grateful for in
10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"
9. "My Best Friend's Dressing"
8. "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"
6. "Silence of the Yams"
5. "I Know What You Ate Last
4. "White Meat Can't Jump"
3. "All the President's Menu"
2. "When Harry Met Salad"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING-THEMED MOVIE?
1. "The Wing and I"
question for the judges who declared
of Allegiance unconstitutional:
Honor", the Pledge is unconstitutional
because it says
Guess that means when you were sworn in with
your hand on a Bible,
and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help
that makes your job unconstitutional.
you have no job, which means your ruling isn't
worth the paper it was written on
Today, upon a bus,
I saw a girl with golden hair.
and wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch.
But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 legs, the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play.
He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
" Why don't you join the others,
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
A pirate walked into a bar and
the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't
have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were
in a battle at sea and a
cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up,
"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The
last time I saw
you, you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle and we
boarded the enemy
ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut
the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel
"Oh," said the bartender, "what
about that eye patch? The
last time you were in here you had both
"One day when we were at sea some birds
were flying over
the ship. I looked up and one of them pooped in
"You're kidding," said the bartender,
"You couldn't have
lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Nah, it was my first day with the
I Thank God for Children
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My
six-year-old son asked
if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he
"God is good. God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even
thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for
dessert. And Liberty and
justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from
the other customers nearby I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this
country. Kids today don't even
know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why,
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked
me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?" As I held him and
assured him that he had done a
terrific job and God was certainly not mad at
him, an elderly gentleman
approached the table. He winked at my son and
said, "I happen
to know that God thought that was a great
"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my
heart," the man replied. Then in a
theatrical whisper he added (indicating the
woman whose remark had started
this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks
God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end
of the meal. My son stared
at his for a moment and then did something I
will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and without a word,
walked over and placed it
in front of the woman. With a big smile he told
her, "Here, this is for you.
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my
soul is good already."
how smart are you?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions
and will tell you whether you are qualified to
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are
1. How do you put a giraffe into a
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator,
in the giraffe, and close the door.
question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out
the giraffe, put in the elephant
and close the door. This tests your
ability to think through the repercussions of
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal
All the animals attend except one. Which animal
does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in
the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three
questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true
4. There is a river you must cross but it is
inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the
crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
tests whether you learn quickly from your
to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around
90% of the professionals they tested got all
questions wrong. But many preschoolers got
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year
Send all your frustrate
here to try this test.
of "No Rights"
The following has apparently been attributed to
State Representative Mitchell
GA. This guy should have run for President:
"We, the sensible people of the United
States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and
blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one
time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt
delusional, and other liberal, bed wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights
are so dim that they require a Bill of No
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never
offended. This country is based on freedom, and
means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You
leave the room, turn the channel, express a
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots,
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
be more careful, do not expect the tool
to make you and all your relatives independently
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free
housing. Americans are the most charitable
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need,
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
after generation of professional couch potatoes
achieve nothing more than the creation of
generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
housing, we're just not interested in public
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape,
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or
away the goods or services of other citizens,
surprised if the rest of us get together and
away in a place where you still won't have the
to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand
our children risk their lives in foreign wars to
soothe your aching conscience. We hate
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you
going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not
parenting the entire world and do not want to
much of our time battling each and every little
with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job.
us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
you along in hard times, but we expect you to
advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to
Being an American means that you have the right
PURSUE happiness -- which by the way, is a lot
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of
laws created by those of you who were confused
Bill of Rights,"
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you
have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if
don't. I just think it is about time common
allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason