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Hell's Best Kept Secret!

Kewl Sites
 

Look What The E-Cat Dragged In
Random tidbits from the Webmaster's in-box


   
No, this is not a
.wav file
.

If you have something you think would be good for this page, just send it to me. If I use
it, you'll get honorable mentioned. Remember, honorable mention here and $1.19, 
will get you coffee at any Denny's in the country. Terry

 

 

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to 
get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS:  Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...

 

A Crummy Idea

As the newly appointed High Representative and Secretary General of People for
Evangelical Image-laden Toast Yielding (PEITY) I must condemn your sacrilegious
act of sacred toast eating. Your thoughtless act of selfishness may have deprived
the world of a god-inspired prophetic message.

I besiege you to vacuum up any remaining crumbs and submit them to the newly
created Museum of the Sacred Wheat-based Food Testaments (SWiFT). 
Of course, you will receive a lifetime membership so that you can view your
sacred crumbs at no cost. Normal adult tickets are $3.50 (US).

If, in the future, you happen upon another holy relic of the floury kind, please 
be sure to inform us immediately at 1-800-GOD-TOST. Thank you.

Get A Dog

If you want someone who will do anything to please you,
get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper
without tearing through it first for the sports page,
get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself
because he's glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of
him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't
care less about Monday Night Football, and watches
dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up
and keep you warm in bed, and whom you can kick out of bed
if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do,
doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though
every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and
loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand...If you want someone who never comes
when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in
the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over
you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat
and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only
to see that He's happy...

Get a CAT!

____________________________________________________________________

MEMO FROM SANTA

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia,
North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas,
Alabama, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.  Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local
209. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus.  He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith
and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie]
on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott, and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd
dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area.  Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
S. Claus

____________________________________________________

You might be a Scrooge:

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to
keep carolers away.

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that
also sells gas.

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of root beer and
a cheese log.

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and
reindeer meat.

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling
tickets.

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ
Simpson.

If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in
your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing
Christmas lawn caricatures with egg nog.

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

___________________________________________________

Baking A Cake
==============

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going
wrong: school, family problems, severe health problems, etc.

Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.

She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which, of
course, he does.

"Here, have some cooking oil."

"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple of raw eggs? "

"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then?  Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves.  But when they are put together in the right way,
they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way.

Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and
difficult times.  But God knows that when He puts these things
all in His order, they always work for good!

We just have to trust Him and eventually, they will all make
something wonderful!"

God is Crazy About You.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.  He can live anywhere
in the universe, and He chose your heart.

Author Unknown

_________________________________________________________________________

As a fan of Classic Hollywood movies, I hope all of you enjoy these Movie
titles that reflect the Holiday Theme. I also hope you had a blessed
Thanksgiving.  If you haven't already done so, take a moment and
think about the things you are grateful for in your life.

10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"

9.  "My Best Friend's Dressing"

8.  "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"

7.  "Casserolablanca"

6.  "Silence of the Yams"

5.  "I Know What You Ate Last Winter"

4.  "White Meat Can't Jump"

3.  "All the President's Menu"

2.  "When Harry Met Salad"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING-THEMED MOVIE?

1.  "The Wing and I"

______________________________________________________________________

A question for the judges who declared 
the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:

"Your Honor", the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says
'Under God'. 
Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible,
and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' 
that makes your job unconstitutional. 

Therefore you have no job, which means your ruling isn't worth the paper it was written on

___________________________________________________________________
Today, upon a bus,
I saw a girl with golden hair.
and wished I was as fair.

When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch.
But as she passed, she passed a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd do no harm.

And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play.
He did not know what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said,
" Why don't you join the others, dear?"
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew, he couldn't hear.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

_______________________________________________________________

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look
terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a
cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm
fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw
you, you had both hands."

"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy
ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but
the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great,
really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The
last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over
the ship. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't have
lost an eye just from some bird poop!"

"Nah, it was my first day with the hook."

______________________________________________

I Thank God for Children Saying Grace...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked
if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said,
"God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even
thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and
justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even
know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a
terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman
approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen
to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a
theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started
this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of  the meal. My son stared
at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it
in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."

_______________________________________________________________

Subject: how smart are you?

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions
and will tell you whether you are qualified to be
a "professional."
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT
that difficult.

 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put
in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly
complicated way.

 

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)

 



Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out
the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your
ability to think through the repercussions of your
previous actions.





3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one. Which animal
does not attend?








Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in
the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This
tests your memory.





OK, even if you did not answer the first three
questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true
abilities.




4. There is a river you must cross but it is
inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?





 Correct Answer: You swim across. All the
crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This
tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes.

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around
90% of the professionals they tested got all
questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several
correct answers. 
Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Send
all your frustrate smart friends here to try this test.

_____________________________________________

Bill of "No Rights"


The following has apparently been attributed to State Representative Mitchell 
Kaye from GA. This guy should have run for President:

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more
time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal, bed wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.


ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health
care.


ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.


ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right
to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that
our children risk their lives in foreign wars to
soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from
going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy
parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so
much of our time battling each and every little tyrant
with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of
us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help
you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.


ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights,"
**********************************

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't
have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you
don't. I just think it is about time common sense is
allowed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.


_______________________________________________________________________

 


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